Lillies and The Color Purple

I have let my blog sit dormant all week, which means my posts 'in draft' is over-whelming and my thoughts jumbled and random.

The truth is, it has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week...

I am emotionally raw.

Probably too emotionally raw to be documenting this. But, in my own experiences, I have discovered that sometimes the raw emotion is worth capturing...

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Those that have read my blog for any length of time, or know me personally, know a large portion of my story. For those that don't.....I'm feeling the need to share....

In addition to my very cute, very handsome boys, I am the mother to one very precious little girl -Hanna.

Our sweet Hanna was born silent, August 13, 2004.

Like every mother of an angel, there is a story to tell. This is her story:

A routine ultra-sound revealed that there was something possibly wrong with my still growing baby. My doctor thought it was, in her words "worst-case scenario, a hole in her diaphragm". This, she told us, was completely correctable and she was most likely being over cautious as she "had not seen anything like this since she was a resident". Nothing to fear, right?

Every mothers fear was about to become my very own {quite harsh} reality.

It was August 10th, 2004. A day that I will always remember.

We started early that morning {convinced, by our doctor, that all would be well}, and sat in awe, fascinated as our baby kept opening and closing her hand, all of her movements seen on the ultra-sound screen.

The reality of the situation became overly real as the doctor sat, asking questions such as "do you have a history of downs syndrome in your family? What about cleft lip/palate?"

I braced myself, thinking he was going to tell us that she had signs of either downs or cleft lip/palate. There is no way I could have been prepared for what he was actually going to tell me....

He explained, with love and compassion that our baby was Tri-Chromosomal. In short, she had received an extra chromosome. Chromosome #18, to be exact. Causing birth defects not compatible with life. Not only were her chances of making it to term grim, but so were my chances of surviving{the pregnancy} as well. It came down to the fact that she was sick, and I would mostly likely follow suit.

Before making any further decisions or declarations it was decided that we would meet with one more specialist {doctor}. A Specialist that would not only confirm what we already knew, but would set off a series of events that have changed who I am. Forever.

I had only a few options as this point.... carry her {for as long as my own body would allow, or worse even, until she passed}, or induce labor. Because of the seriousness of her conditions and the risk it posed to my own health (and after GREAT consideration), we decided it would be best to induce labor.

It must be noted that I was approaching my 24th week, making me 6 months along.

The specialist explained that because of how far along I was, he was going to refer me to a local clinic, that specializes in this sort of thing.

One can only imagine my confusion {especially in my emotional state} as I prepared to enter the clinic I had been sent to. From the outside, it looked like any other office or city building {more office-like than medical}. The insides run-down interior heavily guarded by bullet-proof glass, locked doors and security guards.

Sheer horror set in as I realized I had just entered an abortion clinic.

Deemed as abortion, no hospital, clinic, doctor or nurse will "touch" a pregnancy with the needs mine were demanding {at the time}, for fear of the back-lash.

Trusting in the specialist that had sent me to the clinic, I sat. I sat through the horrors that are a "consent and information class", mandatory before any procedure in this type of clinic.

I remember sitting in the exam room of the clinic {where an ultra-sound was to be performed}, pleading with my Father in Heaven. I had only one request....that he would take her from this existence. If the technician here was able to determine that she had passed, I could be admitted to a hospital, to have my labor induced, rather than this dirty {under-funded, ill-equipped} clinic being my only option {medically speaking}. No immediate answers were provided in that exam room, and I was excused all-together and told to return in 24 hours.

The fact that the procedure to be performed within the clinic would leave my precious baby in a gruesome state, weighed heavily on my mind. Standing on the front lawn of the clinic, I knew it was time to re-evaluate...I was going to choose my only other option, which was to proceed with the pregnancy.

Panicked, I returned to the hospital, unannounced, to speak with the Specialist {who had seen me previously}. The specialist grew exceedingly concerned with my change of heart, explaining that deciding to carry my baby at this point would almost indefinitely end badly for both her and I.

Standing firm in my decision, he asked me to return home, assuring me that he would find me..us...another option.

I still, to this day do not know if the specialist was able to cut through the red tape, simply defied the rules or if my pleadings with my Father in Heaven were heard, but we after 23 hours and 13 minutes of labor, we brought our Sweet Girl into this {temporary} existence.

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This week, a "friend" challenged my beliefs and experiences, specifically those that surround Hanna.

Social media {at it's best, nonetheless} and  freedom of speech allowed this individual a chance to speak their mind and instigate a very heated debate.....

Because I have such a strong view on things and the life experience to fuel my beliefs, I am very cautious about entering such debates. But, as the debate veered from its topic of origin, I knew the time had come. I must speak up.

There is great angst that accompanies taking a stand like this. The very moment the words left my mouth and hit the keyboard I was plagued with angst.

My angst was justified as I lost a "friend" over my stance.

In this instance, unfortunately, my stance is much greater than the friendship I thought existed.

My experience this week has left me raw and weary, but I will forever stand by not only what I said and did this week, but my beliefs. Because ones eyes cannot truly see until you have experienced the things which have shaped your beliefs.........

I HAVE sat through the horrors that are a "consent and information session/class" as required by law in an abortion clinic. The words, the sights and the sounds mine eyes have seen are horrifying...traumatizing..and still to this day stir up incredible emotion within me.

I can NEVER {nor will I ever} view what is being done within the walls of those clinics as humane or moral.

I WILL however, stand by my belief that had state laws been different, my experience WOULD have been different, drastically different.

I KNOW that things are not always as they seem.

There IS NO SUCH THING as black or white, as there is so much gray. Until the glass on the picture frame of your "perfect picture" has been shattered, you may never know this truth.

I WILL FOREVER stand by the woman's right to choose.

There will ALWAYS BE those that choose to 'abuse' their rights for their own gain, or for reasons that I do not condone. But by limiting her rights, I also limit my mothers, my sisters, my daughters...MY OWN right to not only choose what is right, but be provided with the safe, clean, professional help we deserve.

I HAVE a child, who I have not only loved, lost and laid to rest, but her official birth certificate reads: {Cause of death: Abortion} -despite having endured labor and delivering her in a sanctioned facility. This FACT, is due to the closed mindedness of those that determine our rights.

I WILL FOREVER stand tall, leaving my integrity intact.

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This is not a subject I am posing for debate. This is not a public forum for you to take a stance. What I shared here to today is real. This is me. This is my story. Ones stories (yours included) should be observed with reverence and respect.

Comment moderation has been enabled and anonymous comments rejected. I reserve the right to moderate. I respect your opinion and will support your freedom of speech, but expect the same for me and mine.